[초등첨삭30탄] 내 아이 영어 Writing 실력은? > 초등영어 게시판

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[작문제목]

Do you think democracy is important? If so why? If not why not

[학생작문]

I think democracy is important. It 1.can give 2.chances to vote to people. The presidents 3.are elected by 4.people who 5.vote. Presidents 6.became the president 7.by 8.support 9.of nation. If there was 10.not democracy, 11.people will not like the presidents who became presidents without 11.president's support. 12.Also if there is not democracy, presidents will not make 13.a law for people and they will not support people who 13.were poor. 14.So people will be angry about not making laws for them and people will revolt against the government. For example, 15.for 16.burma or 17.north korea, there are some people who are asking 18.about the democracy. 19.When the government 20.notich 21.that, people who 22.asked 23.about the democracy will go to jail. For the people, presidents and 24.goverment 25.must 26.make a 27.democracy country.

[첨삭내용]

Grammar_Articles(the, a or an)/관사 2.chances : the chance 4.people : the people 13.a law : laws 24.goverment : the government
Grammar_Prepositions(on, at, from, by, to.....)/전치사 15.for : in 18.about the : for 19.When : As 23.about the : for 26.make : to make
Grammar_Conjunction(and, but)/접속사 11.people : then people
Grammar_Capitalization/대소문자 16.burma : Burma 17.north korea : North Korea
Grammar_Conjugation/동사변화활용 3.are elected : were elected
Grammar_Punctuation/부호사용 12.Also : Also, 14.So : So,
Essay Format_Sentence Structure/문장의 구성 1.can give : gives the 5.vote : voted for them 6.became : who became 9.of : by the 25.must : must join together
Essay Format_inappropriate Words/단어사용 적절성 7.by : were 8.support : supported 10.not : no 11.president's : their 13.were : are 20.notich : noticed 21.that : this 22.asked : ask 27.democracy : democratic

[강사 Comments]

Your essay was really great -- it was short and simple, and its packs quite a punch on details. You might want to spice up your essay a bit, like making your introduction and conclusion sound better. They both had one lines each. On your essay, you seem to be quite confused on prepositions, conjunctions, and articles. Don't mix one with another, and try not to overuse them. Avoid starting sentences with conjunctions like 'and' and 'but'. Make sure that proper capitalization is also applied on your p***e. This includes capitalization of proper places, like names of countries. You're getting the drift on verb tenses -- a bit of practice, and you're good to go! You're on the right track -- just keep on going, and you'll eventually be on top! Good luck!

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