Hello Selina, Thanks for working hard! Your paragraph using new words from the list is amazing. It is like a mystery novel. I liked how you used various verbs and added details.
Your 'no pain, no gain' story is very interesting too! 'inside school rank 10' can be changed to 'If I ranked in the top 10 of my school'. You can maybe change the 'approached it' expression to ' It was very difficult, but I made it and I achieved my goal.' I can see that you tried hard to find the right expression! I am excited to see your other works too:).